Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
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No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I just ran a .003048K
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
A ghost story
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.