Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
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My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?