Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
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Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
why am I working on Labor Day
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.