Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
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[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!