Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
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You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
it must be school picture day
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.