GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
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being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
no!! no!!!!!!
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?