All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
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ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards