Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
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Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.