Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
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My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
#Caturday
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
yes… yes…
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed