Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
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Them: You should try keto
Me:
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Are you a cat person or a person person?
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*