It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
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Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.