@VN_Ruben: apparently, Twilight is "so popular" because teenagers can relate to it. Oh yeah, I remember that time when I was a vampire.
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@jazmasta: *strums ukulele* This one goes out to my ex wife, Lucy. It's called "I know how much you hate ukuleles so I wrote a 9 minute ukulele song"
@buhsbaby_baby: You know what I'd like for Christmas, mom? I'd like you to stop treating me like a child. Also I'd like some money and some new socks.
@withanewname: "Honey, it's time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas" "You mean the birds & the bees?" "DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!"
@squirrel74wkgn: [using Apple Pay] Cashier: Tilt your phone Me: *tilts* Cashier: Closer Me: Ok Cashier: Stand on one leg Me: Huh? Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans Me: What? Cashier: Eat this apple