“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
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Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Smooooooth
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.