I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
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Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose