I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
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Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*