[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
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Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Happy birthday to all the women
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?