@Up2Long: Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I'm stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
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@Playing_Dad: *sees a spider* I'm going to kill him *turn around to get a shoe* *turns back around and spider has 8 shoes* Alright, let's be cool here
@novicefather: [interview] "I'm not sure your experience is sufficient for this position." me: Trump is president "Touché, you're hired"