Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
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*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color