@Parentpains: Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic when they know who you are.
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@JasonBerlin: You're never gonna believe this, but I feel negatively about the day of the week when I have to stop relaxing and resume working.
@Bez: When someone texts "whatcha doin" after midnight the appropriate response is "someone else" even if you're just eatin' pizza all alone.
@KeithAshers: Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics...you know, just like a real spider.
@BoogTweets: Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame CEO: I like it