Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
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CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart