My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
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This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
the composer
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me: