Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
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How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Smells like a challenge to me
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you