Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
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Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.