@OhNoSheTwitnt: Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer "revenge" it will raise a couple eyebrows.
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@EndhooS: [Last supper] Jesus: Same time next week guys? *they all nod* Judas: I'll book a table for 12 Jesus: you mean 13 Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
@timdonakowski: Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat's resting his little head on my leg. This, like, never happens.
@calluptome: Everyone complains about the weather but noone's sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
@KenJennings: Parenting is all about wanting to say, "No one cares, honey" 100x a day AND NEVER DOING IT.