About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
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[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
A small tragedy.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.