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@JasonLastname: Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
@pickupIines: are you my pinky toe because i'll bang you on all my furniture
@wife3kidsnodogs: Wife: I'm hungry!
Me: I'll order pizza
Wife: YOU THINK I'M FAT!
Me: *whispering* Has it been 28 days already?
Me: what what??
@NotARatsAss: "Do you need a ride?"
Me, to every jogger I pass in my car
@panmidwest: I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It's like he's saying: "I'm better than you—but not by much."