Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
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My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
pat pat
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?