@DaddyJew: Apparently when your boss asks if you're on drugs "which drugs?" isn't the appropriate response. I know this now.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: What’s that? Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you. *eats her bacon*
@natedeschaine: How disturbingly inappropriate would it be if "Thomas the Tank Engine" was set in early-1940s Germany? #ThomasDieKleineLokomotive
@MartaEffing: *hears suspicious noise in backyard, is too lazy to get up & investigate* *smells cookies baking at neighbors house, immediately goes over*
@iwearaonesie: *walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she's not there so I can take some candy off her desk* HR: Do you need something Josh? me: Nope