No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
You Might Also Like
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
That earthquake could have been an email.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
The two types of wives
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead