Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
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Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.