Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
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My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave