@iwearaonesie: Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn't mean knock him off with a pillow
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@jazmasta: *hairstylist holds mirror behind my head after styling my hair* "Is that ok for you sir?" "Yes that is a beautiful mirror. I'll take it"
@Mikecanrant: Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
@trevso_electric: Just once, I'd like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"