@iwearaonesie: Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn't mean knock him off with a pillow
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@canadian_jane: Twitter is cool because it makes me look like I'm texting my friends instead of talking to myself.
@beefman138: Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I'm guessing it's the same place you're going.
@davidkenny100: Pal: On your date, go to a French restaurant. And remember! Girls love a wine connoisseur. Later... Me: we'll both have the wine connoisseur