@iwearaonesie: Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn't mean knock him off with a pillow
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@DanMentos: "Rolls Royce" is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
@E_lok44: I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don't get it, eyebrow ladies, I don't get it.
@bridger_w: Every time I think I've parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it's the length of two football fields
@Brampersandon_: *zips up tent* [Wife]: What happened [Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh.. *flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear