@iwearaonesie: Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn't mean knock him off with a pillow
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@bridger_w: My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
@ibid78: After I undress you with my eyes I redress you with my eyes because it's still January so it's super cold out and I have considerate eyes.
@Christweetpher_: [jail] INMATE: so what are ya in for? BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession INMATE: goddam pigs