Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
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A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
This is sending me to another galaxy
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I wish I could veto my bills.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.