@TheHyyyype: Apparently when your wife says "let's make a baby," she doesn't mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
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@aka_fatman: Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway. Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident. Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
@QwertyJones3: I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I'm gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
@RadOrDie: I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she's still not talking to me.
@DaddyJew: Me: I'll have some cold water Clerk: sorry all we have is warm water Me: yall got ice? Clerk: yea Me: Clerk: Me: I have a crazy idea