The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
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Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.