Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
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My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Sunday
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?