@MsBross: Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children. Adults tend to get offended.
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@EndhooS: [1st day undercover] Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs? Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot Me: is ur gang hiring today?
@Rollinintheseat: My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
@seamussaid: Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
@Rebecca8672: Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid's Principal if he'd like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you're holding in your hand.