Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
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Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess