Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
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Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
#Caturday
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock