Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
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I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?