Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
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Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards