Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
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One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound