Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
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California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.