Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
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It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
If a snake ate a cake
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Happy Febuary everyone!