Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
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“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
That was easy.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms