Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
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Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?