[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
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listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
This kid is a star!
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there