Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
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Getting married soon just need a spouse
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
How times have changed.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.