@SoNotBrendan: Apple and Puma have developed smart track pants, they're called iPumaPants.
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@OfficeofSteve: The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I'll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: That guy is a bad apple. 6-year-old: He's a person. Me: I just meant he's mean. 6: Probably because you called him an apple.
@FauxFawx: [on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister] me: so...did you like the movie? caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*