[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
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Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I really had high hopes for this year though
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*