Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
You Might Also Like
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Bike is short for Bichael.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.