Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
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WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I think this should do it.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Here
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*