APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
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friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
drew a comic about my origin story
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.