APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
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ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.