APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
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Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks